Last night, on the eve of Valentine's Day, I had a dream about my dad. In most of my dreams of him, he does not speak, which is both eerie and confusing. Some of the dreams are good, some of them are bad. I acknowledge that the dreams may be my own psyche dealing with the loss. Yet, a part of me wonders if they could be more. I have no idea. I don't know if there is life after death; I'm not a believer, I'm not a non-believer. Though I do believe that anything is possible.
My dream was so vivid and clear. I was in my old childhood home. My dad walked into the room. It was apparent he was going somewhere. He was all dressed up, even wearing a top hat! He was dressed in a black suit with a white shirt. He looked so young and vibrant, healthy and beaming with light, love and kindness. He called me over to say goodbye, gave me a hug and told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say or do. Unfortunately, our relationship was broken when he left this Earth. In that moment, I knew that. I wasn't simply in a dream state, I was aware of the reality of our struggles. I didn't know how to react or what to say. We never had a moment like that in real life. We both had so much to work through and deal with. I didn't answer him and within seconds we slowly disappeared.
I woke up recalling how young and happy he looked. Knowing him, he was on his way to meet someone for a nice Valentine's date in the afterlife! I also recall feeling sadness in not responding to him. I'm not sure I can recall ever telling my dad that I loved him. That is not easy to sit with. And now I can never tell him, at least not with the two of us together in this lifetime. It's hard, but it's reality. I wish both us would have been brave enough to mend our relationship, but we were not. All I can hope is that he can still hear me and that the dreams like the one I had last night, are a little more than the firing of neurons in my brain. I like to entertain the idea that he came to me with that message for Valentine's Day. That is something he would do. His heart was full of love and kindness...but it was also broken. I hope that next time I can find the courage to speak to him...even in a dream...
