I read an article today about fear. It listed many fears we all have, but one stood out for me: the fear of who we are.
Do I fear who I am? After thinking about this for quite some time, I don't think so. Maybe at one point in my life, but not now.
If that is the case though, then why am I not living a life that expresses who I truly am? I try really hard. I go to school to learn, I play music in a band, I hike and spend time in nature. These are all expressions of who I truly am. But, I also spend a lot of time not being who I am. I spend more time not doing the things I love. I don't give a shit about money, but I still have to make it to survive and play into this whole Monopoly game we've created. I don't whole-heartedly enjoy my job. It's a good job, but it does not nourish my soul. I'm tired of working my ass off for an over-priced roof over my head that I share with dozens of people. It means nothing to me, other than safety and security, and yet I spend so much time working, to pay for something I don't really care about, albeit a necessity.
Yes, this post is about how I don't enjoy working so many hours of my life away, doing something I am not passionate about. It is frustrating and many of us share this same dilemma. It's my truth and I'm not afraid to admit it. I would rather be out soaking in the sun and enjoying nature on my terms on a warm sunny spring day, rather than being cooped up in an office. Sure, I could get an outdoor job...But sometimes I just want to curl up with a book or hang out with my friends, listen to music all day, write, read or simply sleep, meditate, or just "be." I understand that one has to work hard for the good things in life, but I feel I've been doing that non-stop and then some for 18 years straight. I can't imagine continuing this way for another 30 years of my life. I want to enjoy the pleasures of life, and I need to stop feeling bad about having that attitude. We live in a culture that tells us we have to work hard for our pleasures, but why? Just questioning that...I question a lot of things. Like why we have the technology to save lives and treat illness and disease and yet, it is not a right given to everyone in this country. In my opinion there is a lot of unnecessary suffering on this planet, that could easily be eliminated, we're just too "stuck" for some reason to do anything about it. I digress...
Going back to my original question, do I fear who I am? It appears that way, because I don't live my day to day life in a way that expresses who I am at the highest level. Yes, it is my own fault. Does society put fear in me, to make me act this way? Probably, and that's a whole other post in and of itself. Fear of unemployment, fear of being homeless, fear of suffering...I don't mind giving to society and doing my part, in fact, if we all worked together for the greater good of all and the planet, what a better place we could make for ourselves. That's the kind of work I want to do more often, not just on the side, when I'm not at my day job, making money to survive.
It is time for me to let go of these fears and start moving toward living a life that fully expresses who I am and allows me to do the work that calls to my spirit. I've had tastes of it, and it's time to let go of the other things and fears that are holding me back...I'm holding myself back. I am responsible for removing these fears, so I can be who I am meant to be, do what I am meant to do and enjoy life to the fullest...to be happy...to create...to give what I can to make this place better. I no longer want to be afraid of who I am, or let some outside source cause me to fear who I really am. I only have one chance at this life and I have no idea when it will end. I want to go out knowing I lived a life authentic to myself and wasn't held back by fear (my own or as a result of constraints imposed by outside forces or structures of society).
